Livin’ (3X) Large: News and Views from the Emerald City

Jonesin’ for tales of a dark, dank and cob-web rich tour of the urban underground? Curious to hear how a stroll in the International district resulted in me being labeled a “big girl” and the purchase of two retro eyeglass frames older than Steven Tyler’s cock rock hairstyle and lead singer tights? Then come with me my pretties on a journey to the sunny seascape of Seattle from whence my Ballard beau and I have just returned.

I thought I’d be singing Annie Lennox’s “Here Comes the Rain Again” while trapsing through the Emerald City but as it turns out that all that precip is just a myth…as is the widely held belief that Seattle has cornered the market on the perfect cup o’ joe. Sunny skies and icky-sicky sweet frappucinnos were there in abundance for the taking during our Left Coast jaunt. Trip highlights included:

*A pad fit for a king…or a pimp:mrgreen: Through a fortuitous twist of fate, we ended up in one of the poshest suites this side of the Ritz Carlton. Who knew Best Westerns offered such hipster elegance as a fire place, super-size, booty-ready glassed-in showers and a wrap around balcony with a mountain, oceanic view to boot? Oh, and I must not forget every man’s morning wood fantasy, a built in plasma TV with FULL cable access. Ladies, remember this if you want to hypnotize your man…all they can recall is…watching cartoons…I saw pretty pictures on the wall.

*A zen-filled tour of a real, live Japanese garden complete with giant koi schools and a meditation temple worthy of The Last Samurai.

*And speaking of fish, ge-nu-ine Northwest salmon chowder…full fat, as well as the best damn mac and cheese I’ve ever laid my tongue into (four-cheese is always a good menu descriptor!)

*And speaking of full fat, a mean, mean Chinese silk dress salesman had the gall to tell me I was a size 3 extra large…yeah, me and Anna Nicole….before TrimSpa…good for a hearty laugh!:razz:

*A tour of Seattle’s once and future underground and an up close and personal look at one of the very first “crappers.” Let’s just say Seattle had some sanitation challenges that make those of today’s New Delhi look tame by comparison! I highly recommend this tour to anyone who loves dark corners, conspiracy and the pioneer spirit. I would ban it for anyone who is even a slightly weazy asthmatic as 1907 condemned mold, mildew and freakishly large cobwebs are everywhere!

*A glorious touristy cruise of Puget Sound and Elliot Bay complete with tasty in-boat gingerale and passage through an aqautic lock! Ahoy matey!

*Finally saying “I love you”, albeit over a gruyere fondue pot:razz:

*Lolling through the new Sci-Fi museum in the EMP building. Where else can you see the Lost in Space Robot, learn all about Con fans and contemplate buying your very own Chewbaca shirt all in one afternoon?

*Seeing the groovilicious space needle up close and personal; It looks more like George Jetson’s space-craft than a 21st century office building cum knitting needle but what do I know? It’s not like I’m Santiago Calatrava.

*Sharing some nacho cheese and romantic smoochies with my baby by the Seattle Center Merry-Go-Round.

*Buying two sets of dusty eyeframes from from a giggly, middle-aged Andy Williams-loving optomistrist who informed me the glasses had been sitting in the window waiting for a buyer for the last 30 YEARS!!!

*Natives just as friendly as Leprechauns at the end of the rainbow or as the well-heeled saleswomen at Nordstrom’s.

*Finally learning courtesy of SMA (Seattle Museum of Art) that Mondrian is not an elegant furniture line (like it sounds) but a true artistic pioneer.

Now for the Lowlights:

*Losing my driver’s license right before airplane boarding…yes TSA did do a full body cavity search. What fun!

*Being called Tootsie because of poufy, curly hair…am I really that much of a frizz ball?

*The orginal Starbucks…excited as I was to take in all the hype and history, there were no T-Shirts or commenmorative plaques to be found on-site. Only a special Pike Place coffee bean blend. Yawn…

Despite these minor blips, I annoint Seattle as simply du-vine and must ask myself only one question..How long will it take me to move there? I’ve got my U-Haul, Birkenstocks and REI camelpack at the ready:lol:…and would be glad to wash fish or grease out of the clothes of my partner in crime if he ever desires to come with and stay for a spell.

Until The Space Needle and I Do Our Intergalactic Dance Again,
That Little Red Headed Girl


  1. manion
    August 19th, 2004 | 10:50 pm

    Sounds like an interesting trip, where is the tribute to st. kona, patron saint of barristas….

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