Postcards from a new sandy place: Top 10 Asinine Rules of Camp Tuitty Fruity

Readers, I sincerely apologize for the lapse. As we hit the longest stretch of this vacation we call deployment my sense of humor appears somewhat diminished. I have changed jobs and with that, moved to another larger sandy camp which from all accounts has the potential for more stupidity and utter mediocrity than one can shake a nonexistent piece of desert foliage at. And hopefully, more columns.

The following are my observations of the ten most asinine incidents/rules I made during my first couple of days at Camp Tuitty Fruity;

10. You have to wear a tan colored desert camouflage uniform, tan boots and tan t-shirt, but you have to wear a bright orange or yellow reflective belt while doing exercise in the morning.
9. You can’t wear your weapon into the gym with the physical training uniform, but you cant get into the chow hall wearing the physical training uniform without a weapon.
8. They moved the helipad away from the main cluster of office buildings because it kicked up too much dust, but then they cut down all the brush and grass surrounding the office building so that nothing anchors the dirt down.
7. They water the gravel roads every morning with gray water in order to keep the dust down, but the water has now made gravel so permanently slippery and slimy that its impossible to walk on parts without falling down.
6. Two days ago, my convoy driver was told by a Camp Tuitty Fruity gate guard that he was driving like a bat out of hell because he was going at least 18-20 miles per hour down one of the exit roads. This comment incited a great deal of laughter in my humvee. Apparently this gate guard never been on a convoy or patrolled with Assassin battery (the soldiers I usually ride with) who think that the proper way to avoid traffic jams is to go 65 miles an hour down the wrong side of the road until they get around the jam.
5. My female office mate wears make up and never picks up her weapon when it falls on the ground (those of you in the military will understand the horror of this one).
4. The boss wants to design a deployment t-shirt to give to everyone when they get home. Screw the military medals, awards or bronze stars, etc, my reward for a year away from hearth and home will apparently be; I went to war in Iraq and all I got was this lousy t-shirt.
3. One of the chaplains is named MAJOR BLESSING (well, that’s more cute than anything).
2. I can get better cable service and internet service here than at home in Georgia.
1. I struggled to get out of the backwoods bayous of Louisiana and yet I now live in a muddy trailer park!

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